I had never felt such resentment and bitterness before. It rose in my throat like bile. I could almost taste it on my tongue. I was shocked beyond words at this because I had always prided myself as someone who was incapable of feeling such dark emotions but here i was!
I felt betrayed and I felt even more angry at myself for feeling betrayed. He hadn’t mentioned loving me or wanting to have anything to do with me romantically. In fact, he had been quick to inform me when I asked that he had no such feelings of attraction for me and that he had someone else in mind for that. So why did I almost swallow my tongue when I heard he had decided to settle for a friend of mine? Why did I feel so hurt and ashamed of myself? Why did I detest the smile that I saw on both their faces as they talked and looked each other in the eyes lovingly? Why did I feel like hurting them physically? More importantly, what was I supposed to do with these feelings?
I knew about prayer. I knew I could always talk to God. But I felt too ashamed to do so. So I cried.
This is the point where I agree with Joseph Prince on his teaching about groaning being a form of prayer and that God actually hears. You should search this teaching out on Youtube.
I cried so much, unable to express myself in words. After the tears, I didn’t feel better immediately but somehow I knew what I had to do. I knew who I had to speak with, what I had to say and what I needed to hear. I just knew.
At this point I would say everyone needs an honest friend. One who will not hesitate to tell you the truth especially based on God’s ways, not the general opinion. That friend who will tell you this truth whether you like it or not. Who will slash at you just so that you will heal quickly. I am thankful for the ones I have. After the conversation with this friend of mine, things changed. My perspective changed and I could think more objectively. I was no longer wallowing in self pity and self condemnation. It was such a liberating experience!
Dear Christian, hear me. Your FEELINGS are not the truth. I can say that because I have been in a lot of situations that show me this. DO NOT make decisions based on how you FEEL at a particular time. Those blighted things called Feelings are as fleeting as… (Can’t come up with anything. I even checked Google, but nothing). Anyway, my point is, don’t rely so heavily on how you feel. The world we are in right now is like this because people pay too much attention to how they feel.
The Pastor’s daughter will rest her case here. For now.
These letters seems to come naturally for me now more than anything else for this blog. I guess it’s because I’ve become increasingly aware of the fact that I’m actually going to be spending the rest of my life with another human! Truth is, the more aware I am of this, the more afraid of the concept I’ve become. It’s weird. I was sure I always wanted to be married. You know that picture every little girl supposedly has of a fine gentlemen and kids? Well, I think I had that picture too. Or not. I’m not sure now.
Maybe if you know of my fears and you understand what is going on in my mind, you’d know how to approach me, what to say, what NOT to say, how to say it, e.t.c. I’m an influencer. The big picture in my head is to make impact, change lives, do for people what will make them remember me in the course of history, lift Jesus. The big picture isn’t marriage and kids. BUT, I’ve seen married people who are doing all these and more and are even a more formidable team because well, they are a team! So, maybe marriage isn’t such a bad idea. Maybe you and I will come together in such a way that I wouldn’t be able to imagine life without you. Maybe our synergy will cause such a stir, like the synergy of Mike and Gloria Bamiloye, not necessarily because we will do the same thing but because we will support each other so much that NOTHING will come between us.
Maybe marriage can become a big picture in my head if I could only look past all of the failed ones.
Find me Future Husband. History is waiting to be written.
Sometimes it feels this awkward.
I watched my cousin remove his own comfortable shoes to step into his Mother’s heels and I just had to take a picture because it reminded me of how it feels sometimes to be a Christian and a leader.
There are days I don’t want to wear these shoes anymore because they are too large and I feel inadequate. I’m impatient, I’m quick to vex, always in a hurry, pretentious, doubtful, even hypocritical! On days like this I’m reminded that lives depend on me and people rely on me whether I’m in the right or I’m walking in error. This is scary.
Sometimes I tell myself not to worry too much about it for after all we’re in the time of grace. But the Bible tells us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and shall we continue to sin that Grace may abound? God forbid! So I turn right back to the Author and Finisher of my faith. The Vine of whose part I am a branch, the Potter who constantly molds me to His will, daily drawing me to Him to see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly and follow Him more nearly.
The beautiful thing is He is always ready to wrap His arms around me. For the whole purpose of creating me is fellowship anyway and this is what is most important to Him. Not my service, but fellowship. For it is only in fellowship that I can be made perfect.
Therefore I trudge on, not because there won’t continue to be days as awkward as what we have in the picture up there but because I know just what to do on days like that! And when I forget as I sometimes will, the Holy Spirit finds a way to remind me!
There was a time my friends confessed their sins to me. It wasn’t just regular conversation between friends to catch up on gist, no. It was confession proper. Complete with “I have sinned. Peace pray for me”.
I was a teenager at this time, you see? The Pastor’s daughter, ‘holy and sanctified’, sheltered from every bad thought and deed, doing right in works, obeying my Father’s every word. I think I should have been given a priestly robe (something like what the Pharisees wore) just to complete the picture. I would look at the ‘confessing sinner’, sigh heavily and shake my head. I would say something like “how could you allow yourself be tempted in such a manner? You are too weak! I just hope you make heaven. This behaviour is unacceptable and I don’t even know if I can pray for you. As in, you let Tunde kiss you! Haba! Too bad!”
Then I’d shake my head again while the ‘confessing sinner’ bowed his or head in shame. I was also sure I couldn’t ever be in these situations that the ‘confessing sinners’ told me about. “Me? How now? No man would dare come close. I would never fall under such influence. Struggling with fornication? That’s for weak Christians!”
I had a lot of dos and donts that I felt would save you from every form of temptation. I was doing good.
Then I met a man and I felt all sort of things and thought even more things and struggled not to do even much more and I began to understand. The scales fell off my eyes and the scripture that says “Let he who thinketh he stand, take heed lest he falls…” made much more sense to me.
I experienced lust, infatuation, doubted my faith, craved to be touched in places I had read about and seen in movies. My body started to tell me things I never knew it could say in a language I never knew it understood. I experienced the struggle of being Christian in today’s world and I knew I could NEVER judge anyone again…
I must confess though, that the experience has made me a better and stronger Christian. More importantly it has made me a better friend and confidant. People tell me stuff. They feel free and comfortable to discuss their struggles with me. I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. I only wish that more people will open up so that others know they are not alone in the struggle…but then, considering how judgmental I had been can you blame everyone that has decided to be quiet?
Can a ‘confessing sinner’ come to you and not leave feeling like a crucified thief?
Find me already! Find me! Let’s make history together. Like Romeo and Juliet became an idealism for romance, let you and I become the reality of the love that can exist between a man and a woman! I know God is moulding you and making you ready for me just like He is putting me in shape for you. I ask that your eyes be opened and you see me, not just my body and the promise of pleasure it makes but my mind and soul; the deepest parts that no one else is allowed to reach simply because they’ve not been found worthy. I know for a fact that you will not be ashamed to love me nor will you mind supporting me, planting yourself solidly behind me, unshaken, unmoving. You will not cut me off during conversations but will listen to my innermost cry as God gives you the grace. You will talk to me and share your deepest fears because you know I’m in your life as your HELPMEET! You will patiently deal with my excesses, correct me in love without malice, look at me with eyes that tell of your devotion and pray me to greatness because you know that I am a representation of your very existence and my success is yours! We will find fulfillment in silence as words will not be needed at times. We will bask in the love we choose to have for each other while we wade through life trusting solely on The Saviour- JESUS of Nazareth. We will learn from Him because no one knows Love like He does and we will choose each other over and over again, deciding to love our imperfections to perfections. You have flaws as much as I do but will they still be flaws when we choose to love them breathless?
Find me, dear husband. History is waiting to be written!
I love God.
All I want to do is to fellowship with Him. I’m curious about Him and His ways. I just want to get to know Him better. It’s been a journey and even though I wish I could get to know everything about Him at once, He chooses to unwrap the mysteries slowly and with great precision. In the process He is teaching me patience, long suffering, wisdom, discernment, trust and the ability to love unconditionally.
I’m this woman you will spend the rest of your life with because I love God. I will be patient with you, tend to you, give you sound advice, trust you and LOVE you unconditionally because I love God.
For my sake and the sake of our kids, I hope you love God too…and you’re craving a deeper walk with Him…
Nothing less will do.